All the joy I’ve seen is a waste…
So this song has been playing on repeat in my mind and in my heart throughout this entire week. It’s even seeped into my dreams. I dreamt last night about some random guy on campus, about being over at his house and pacing around in front of him, ranting and blabbering on and on about every ounce of anything welled up inside my heart. It was crazy because I kept telling him to shut up and and I also used language that I rarely ever use. He just watched me walking and waving, nodded at some things, while shaking or scratching his head at other parts. I finally told hold him I wished I was seen as a human being.
He was baffled, and asked me what I meant (the only time I allowed him to speak). I told him that other men in my life had only seen me as a toy [to get off on] — those are not the words I chose — but that I was a real human being. With emotions, with passion, with the capacity to love and forgive anything. But no one has ever appreciated that in me. He simply nodded and kept staring at me.
Then I was swept up again by emotions and contemplation. I must’ve talked for almost an hour before I finished and just stood in front of him, the stickiness of previous tears coating my cheeks. He opened his arms to me and said “You’re human.”
Now, I don’t mean for this to sound like some cheesy love story. Really. I mean for this to sound like what it is, a reflection of what I am learning and allowing God to do in my heart. After sharing this dream with a few friends, I have been able to process the fact that that guy, though he may be someone I could see myself with, he is not what I really want. What I really want is to be heard. And pondering over it now, I believe God has been trying to show me… show me that he is hearing me. He is the perfect companion and confidant I’ve always been searching for. He is always sitting on the back of a pickup truck in the middle of nowhere, waiting for me to unleash all the frustration and triumph I have to share with Him.
I am a creature for His love. His love only. Someday I may pour that love into a man whose heart connects with mine, a man whose eyes see me as the pure and whole woman Christ is creating me to be. Being pure doesn’t mean I won’t make mistakes. Being whole doesn’t mean I can’t be vulnerable. It means I’m trusting and learning to live again. The chaos is bound to become overwhelming, but I have a Creator who’s much more dependable than any human being. He also knows the depths of my heart.
And when I’m ready, even when I’m not ready, I can step out of my safety pen and into His open arms, where there are no looming expectations or judgments. “You’re human.”