"awakening in the eye of the storm."
It’s been SO long since I’ve been online to share my thoughts and feelings. For many of you, my disappearance has gone unnoticed, but for a few of you, not having this living testimony has been difficult. Forgive me for that. The past year, past few months really, has taken its toll on me. I was engaged to a wonderful man, but like all humans do, we fell. Fell out of love, fell out of the Father’s gaze, fell out of life itself. By the end of our relationship, I wasn’t even sure what I was living for or why. I knew it was unhealthy and I had to pry myself away from the one man who could calm me but also wound me.
Following our break-up I moved into an apartment near Downtown Grand Rapids. Shortly after, I realized my apartment was infested with some sort of bug (still sorting that out, and yes that is an awful, dreadful experience). I’ve spent many a night lying awake and begging God to rescue me from this spiritual warfare, from this restlessness and hopelessness. I’ve been gnoming around from couch to floor to couch to floor, wondering where I will “sleep” the next night. if ever I’ve felt like a huge burden to anyone, it’s now. Right now. The Enemy has definitely been telling me to call it quits on life— but we all know the Savior has given me too much tenacity (stubborness, really) for that!
Besides all of the craziness of my life, I have been witnessing visions in my dreams. Before you close the page and think I need to go to the loony bin due to sleep deprivation, let me explain. I’ve never been one to believe speaking in tongues, but I have experienced my share of spiritual warfare. I have known demons to whisper curses in my ears while I dream. But never have I felt so close to God as I have these past few weeks in my mind. You ever feel distant from Jesus in your heart but known your soul is right where it should be, in His hands? That’s where I am right now…
I awoke from my nap yesterday (praise the Lord for naps!) and the culmination of all those hazy dreams collided like a punch in the sternum. I immediately wept as vivid images of brothels and “johns” poured through my brain waves. I remembered rapes, I remembered torture, I remembered terror. I remembered my “dance” moves performed in front of strange men from around the world. I remember shivering with chains gnawing at my wrists and ankles. I remember betrayal by “friends” who threw me away to save their own lives.
What was more horrifying than “remembering” those things, was realizing that I was vicariously living through someone else’s life. That the Spirit was showing me a life worse than I have ever lived through. Yes, I have been molested and raped. Yes, I have been assaulted with words and with limbs. But I have never been taken away from the ones I hold dear. I have never been held captive to the point of expecting death. I cannot say the same for the person I was in those visions. Ultimately, I received a “happy” ending, when I was accepted into an actual School of Dance. I would finally be viewed as a woman of talent, a woman of character and class. But even I knew that the healing had only begun.
These weeks of exhaustion, these weeks of ailment… goodness. Have all weighed me down because she is out there. Somewhere. Some girl, maybe seven years old, maybe seventeen… Is out there fighting for her life. Having her innocence thrusted away every minute. And I have got to find her.
A few of you know that I have set in motion a few plans to begin our support group this Fall. You don’t have to have been trafficked, you don’t have to have been abused at all. Bless your heart if you haven’t. The Lord has protected you from evil. But be sure to join us when we open the gates of Refuge.
That’s all for now. If I have rambled, forgive me. My mind works faster than my fingers can type. And I know how much Yahweh loves all of you— which is overwhelming to say the least!
Be blessed and know that there is HOPE!